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Archives: 2004 - 2005

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If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
Guerneville, CA USA - Saturday, December 31, 2005 at 03:45:10 (PST)

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die
from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his
back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving,
Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her
and saying "booya".
17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is,
of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show
clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you
and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are
black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the
shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes,
just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
24. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact
that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
25. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't
give him exact change.
26. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
27. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
28. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for
children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck
Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and
roundhouse kicks them in the face.
29. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3
at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
30. Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse,
he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up
upon impact.
31. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
32. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
33. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a total gym.
34. Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once
asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a total gym.
35. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed
octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within
3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the
feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
FeeDawg Knight
Forestville, CA USA - Friday, December 30, 2005 at 12:13:25 (PST)

The updates are awesome! You are my lifeline through nasty weather, and you distract me from the worry when I need it most.
My fingers are crossed that this week is just a wake up call for those of us who use the lower part of the house for storing crap we want.
I have gone to higher ground with my dogs, but will consider coming back to town for a beer if you're cooking'll be worth the trip.
See you at 6!
G-ville Mom
USA - Thursday, December 29, 2005 at 09:01:45 (PST)

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do not do it!


They only want to see you naked. I wish I'd have gotten this this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Mr. Boogie Woogie
Manhattan, KS USA - Friday, December 16, 2005 at 12:13:51 (PST)

just a test
USA - Sunday, November 20, 2005 at 10:27:33 (PST)

The Real One....Damn Wanker
USA - Monday, April 11, 2005 at 20:58:29 (PDT)

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her Husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who submitted ten different puns to the Stumptown clan, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Bay area, CA USA - Thursday, March 10, 2005 at 14:17:01 (PST)

Happy the man, whose wish and care
a few paternal acres bound,
content to breathe his own air
in his own ground.

Whose herds with milk, whose fields with bread,
whose flocks supply him with attire;
whose trees in summer yield him shade,
in winter fire.

Blest, who can unconcernedly find
hours, days, and years slide soft away
in health of body, peace of mind;
Quiet by day.

Sound sleep by night; study and ease
together mixed, sweet recreation,
and innocence, which most does please
with meditation.

Thus let me live,unseen, unknown;
thus unlamented let me die,
steal from the world, and not a stone
tell where I lie
Alexander, Pope - Sunday, February 20, 2005 at 23:43:46 (PST)

Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!
Guerneville, Ca USA - Friday, December 24, 2004 at 14:22:50 (PST)

How about this for a bumper sticker:

- Wednesday, December 08, 2004 at 22:27:40 (PST)

I guess that guy can't find any political blog sites that will band together with him for a cause...cause I don't come here to read that shit...Please excuse my english. (and might as well mention the punctuation...considering it is all whacked to those kind...skip that if you like beer...) But...and there is almost always a butt...but this time ass works too...I saw a bumper sticker the other day that pretty much says how I feel about it...and I thought I would share it just to irritate that guy.

~and a little funny...You know that Bin Laden tape that came out right before election day..?
I swear...I couda swore that looked like Jeb in a costume...
Ahhhh ha ha ha ha.....huh? It was a favor of course they wanted GW re-elected...Or he had his buddy Osama play the old reverse phsycology trick to get him re-elected...and Bush sends him a fruit basket with more 8mm blank vidio tapes tucked in the bottom for next time....J Kerry would have gone and got him..he is not scared of being in the armed service...been there..GW got together with Jeb and they said
"wo, I tell you whut....lets try the old switcheroo...and we can git er doooone" (might have said yeeehaw but I don't know...I think Bill W was there too)
allright..I gotta go to SR!

G-ville Mom
The most awesome place this side of Maui..., USA - Wednesday, December 08, 2004 at 14:02:30 (PST)

If winter is slumber and spring is birth, and summer is life, then autumn rounds out to be reflection. It's a time of year when the leaves are down and the harvest is in and the perennials are gone. Mother Earth just closed up the drapes on another year and it's time to reflect on what's come before.

Mitchell Burgess, Northern Exposure, Thanksgiving, 1992

USA - Monday, October 18, 2004 at 23:11:27 (PDT)

When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs the one that yelps is generally the one that got hit.
USA - Monday, October 04, 2004 at 21:29:01 (PDT)

What about Bin Laden?
Bert Wooster
- Friday, October 01, 2004 at 12:07:06 (PDT)

I must apologize for my ignorance, oddly enough I had not been made aware that the whole free speech thing is your exclusive domain. Here's a tip, spend less time watching the "oxygen" channel and more time breathing it (sans pakololo).
Even in this brave new world of JamieSpeak, If you'd have read the guestbook you'd probably agree that "over and over and over" is a bit exagerated.
Furthermore, the entry in question was neither posted by me nor is it a diatribe (feel free to look it up during the commercials).
Spasibo i dasvidanya Tovarina.
Mr. Hackett
Stumptown, CA USA - Thursday, September 30, 2004 at 13:56:00 (PDT)

Please stop posting the same Republican diatribe {see below} over and over and over Mr. Hackett. It's tiresome, as are you. Thank you and goodday.
sf, ca USA - Wednesday, September 29, 2004 at 23:43:46 (PDT)

Whoops, I forgot I said that!!

"One way or the other, we are determined to deny Iraq the capacity to develop weapons of mass destruction and the missiles to deliver them. That is our bottom line." - President Clinton, Feb. 4, 1998

"If Saddam rejects peace and we have to use force, our purpose is clear. We want to seriously diminish the threat posed by Iraq's weapons of mass destruction program." - President Clinton, Feb. 17, 1998

Iraq is a long way from [here], but what happens there matters a great deal here. For the risks that the leaders of a rogue state will use nuclear, chemical or biological weapons against us or our allies is the greatest security threat we face." - Madeline Albright, Feb 18, 1998

"He will use those weapons of mass destruction again, as he has ten time since 1983." - Sandy Berger, Clinton National Security Adviser, Feb, 18,1998

"[WE] urge you, after consulting with Congress, and consistent with the U.S. Constitution and laws, to take necessary actions (including, if appropriate, air and missile strikes on suspect Iraqi sites) to respond effectively to the threat posed by Iraq's refusal to end its weapons of mass destruction programs." - Letter to President Clinton, signed by Sens. Carl Levin (D-MI), Tom Daschle (D-SD), John Kerry( D - MA), and others Oct. 9,1998

"Saddam Hussein has been engaged in the development of weapons of mass destruction technology which is a threat to countries in the region and he has made a mockery of the weapons inspection process." - Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D, CA), Dec. 16, 1998

"Hussein has ... chosen to spend his money on building weapons of mass destruction and palaces for his cronies." - Madeline Albright, Clinton Secretary of State, Nov. 10, 1999

"There is no doubt that ... Saddam Hussein has invigorated his weapons programs. Reports indicate that biological, chemical and nuclear programs continue apace and may be back to pre-Gulf War status. In addition, Saddam continues to redefine delivery systems and is doubtless using the cover of a licit missile program to develop longer-range missiles that will threaten the United States and our allies." - Letter to President Bush, Signed by Sen. Bob Graham (D, FL,) and others, December 5, 2001

"We begin with the common belief that Saddam Hussein is a tyrant and threat to the peace and stability of the region. He has ignored the mandate of the United Nations and is building weapons of mass destruction and the means of delivering them." - Sen. Carl Levin (D, MI), Sept. 19, 2002

"We know that he has stored secret supplies of biological and chemical weapons throughout his country." - Al Gore, Sept. 23, 2002

"Iraq's search for weapons of mass destruction has proven impossible to deter and we should assume that it will continue for as long as Saddam is in power." - Al Gore, Sept. 23, 2002

"We have known for many years that Saddam Hussein is seeking and developing weapons of mass destruction." - Sen. Ted Kennedy (D, MA), Sept. 27, 2002

"The last UN weapons inspectors left Iraq in October of 1998. We are confident that Saddam Hussein retains some stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons, and that he has since embarked on a crash course to build up his chemical and biological warfare capabilities. Intelligence reports indicate that he is seeking nuclear weapons..." - Sen. Robert Byrd (D, WV), Oct. 3, 2002

"I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force-- if necessary-- to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security." - Sen. John F. Kerry (D, MA), Oct. 9,2002

"There is unmistakable evidence that Saddam Hussein is working aggressively to develop nuclear weapons and will likely have nuclear weapons within the next five years.... We also should remember we have always underestimated the progress Saddam has made in development of weapons of mass destruction."- Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D, WV), Oct 10, 2002

"He has systematically violated, over the course of the past 11 years, every significant UN resolution that has demanded that he disarm and destroy his chemical and biological weapons, and any nuclear capacity. This he has refused to do" - Rep. Henry Waxman (D, CA), Oct. 10, 2002

"In the four years since the inspectors left, intelligence reports show that Saddam Hussein has worked to rebuild his chemical and biological weapons stock, his missile delivery capability, and his nuclear program. He has also given aid, comfort, and sanctuary to terrorists, including al Qaeda members. It is clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons." - Sen. Hillary Clinton (D, NY), Oct 10, 2002

"We are in possession of what I think to be compelling evidence that Saddam Hussein has, and has had for a number of years, a developing capacity for the production and storage of weapons of mass destruction." - Sen. Bob Graham (D, FL), Dec. 8, 2002

"Without question, we need to disarm Saddam Hussein. He is a brutal, murderous dictator, leading an oppressive regime.... He presents a particularly grievous threat because he is so consistently prone to miscalculation.... And now he is miscalculating America's response to his continued deceit and his consistent grasp for weapons of mass destruction.... So the threat of Saddam Hussein with weapons of mass destruction is real" - Sen. John F. Kerry (D, MA), Jan. 23. 2003

- Friday, July 30, 2004 at 22:44:38 (PDT)

Wish I was back in the cool evening air on the deck drinking a Rat... or the long passed but fondly remembered Black Stump grog...

Russian River / Maui Anecdote
I was in a real estate office here on Maui, right on the beach. An older gentleman walked in and I could see all of the South Maui beaches over his left shoulder. The realtor I was working with asked him where he was from and he said the Russian River. The realtor told the guy that I was from Guerneville.

Without hesitation and with a wry smile the grey-haired man nodded slightly to his left toward the South Maui coastline and said, "Kind of a good second best, huh?"

I could only nod in affirmation.

Enjoy the river, the redwoods, the people, the conversations, the beer, and the bar. There aren't many places like it anywhere...

Fond remembrances and wishes from the beaches of South Maui.
Kihei, HI USA - Tuesday, July 27, 2004 at 19:45:13 (PDT)

camp as a row of tents...

I like to "mate"...
mytown, USA - Saturday, July 10, 2004 at 13:10:38 (PDT)

great site, very funny! we're coming this weekend for the blues festival & will surely stop in....we like beer.
hayward, ca USA - Wednesday, June 23, 2004 at 15:26:50 (PDT)

lyndsi horton
p.s., co USA - Sunday, June 13, 2004 at 21:49:51 (PDT)

A great mate ALWAYS buys you a beer
USA - Saturday, June 05, 2004 at 10:32:56 (PDT)

I'd settle for someone with a big MIND who laughs at my jokes!
USA - Monday, May 17, 2004 at 11:26:26 (PDT)

Ask yourself how much of this applies to the one you're with.....

What Makes a Great Mate?>
> Someone who knows what you need before you say it.
> Someone who knows when to laugh and when to cry.
> Someone who truly listens when you have something to say.
> Someone that's there for you during the good and bad times.
> Someone who is caring .
> Someone who loves you with all their heart and soul.
> Someone who is interested in reality and not as a fashion
> Someone who is honest.
> Someone you can trust like a sibling, and confide in like a
> Someone who is open and responsive.
> Someone who is never critical and ill-tempered in respect to
your needs.
> Someone who knows when things have to be compromised in the
> Someone who understands listening is a key, but using what is
heard is
even more important.
> Someone who's there for you no matter what.
> Someone who is trustful.
> Someone who is a friend.
> Someone who gives a shoulder to cry on.
> Someone with a great sense of humor.
> Someone who has things in common with you.
> Someone who takes time to listen and enjoy you for who you are
and tries
not to make you something else.
> Someone with a constant open ear, open heart, and open mind to
accept and
love people for who the really are.
> Someone who will always be there to support your ideas without
and love you for everything that you are.
> Someone that can get a point across without yelling.
> Someone that remembers all the cute stupid stuff you love.
> Someone that has a personality with qualities you don't have
yourself, but
admire greatly in them.
> Someone who realizes you're two separate people, and
appreciates the
> Someone who can sense a mood problem, and not take it
> Someone who understands the difference between PMS, and a real
> Someone who can make you happy when your sad.
> Someone who tells you the truth even if you don't want to hear
> Someone who will not hurt you intentionally.
> Someone who is a sweet, romantic person who cherishes you no
matter what.
> Someone that you can laugh with.
> Someone who you can feel comfortable with and that you don't
care what
kind of weird stuff they see you do because you know they will
still love
you no matter what.
> Someone who will love you in spite of your little
> Someone that would do anything to show how much they care.
> Someone who is a great pal, a great kisser, and a great lover!
> Someone who allows you to be yourself around them.
> Someone who will respect you.
> Someone who cherishes your hopes and is kind to your dreams.
> Someone who knows you're not perfect, but treats you as though
you are.
> Someone who listens with their heart and is your source of

anytown, USA - Monday, May 10, 2004 at 09:10:20 (PDT)

Are you dropping the ball??? Long happy hour I see...
smurf village, SM USA - Thursday, April 29, 2004 at 15:04:15 (PDT)

I like you site. It monderful it is. I like beer for me that you make. peeple laugh at jokes for me. That is good.
e, ca USA - Friday, March 19, 2004 at 10:40:47 (PST)

Get the babes ready - Kelly's blues man is coming to Stumptown soon.
Silver Fox
Chicago, Il USA - Monday, March 08, 2004 at 12:59:29 (PST)

intresting good job
USA - Sunday, March 07, 2004 at 18:56:10 (PST)

Hi guys...and gals,
I would come see ya, but someone stole my car...I if you know nyone who's driving a new old BMW...and it was real tell them I am looking for them! Danm it!
I don't mean to insinuate your patrons would have anything to do with it...I'm just putting out the word...
The Mom
Gville Mom
Gville, USA - Wednesday, February 11, 2004 at 12:59:43 (PST)

I love you too(and I am Yummy...I eat a lot of parsley)
Stumptown, CA USA - Friday, February 06, 2004 at 13:38:47 (PST)

I love Guerneville and I fuckin love Stumptown!!! Such a beautiful environment to relax in. I live in SF and when I get off work I sometimes wish I could just drive up for a drink. I am wishing that right now. But alas it is a bit too far for that. So I try to come up often on the weekends. I am in LOVE (Yummy!!!) with one of the bar regulars so you may see me there a bit. :)
San Francisco, CA USA - Tuesday, February 03, 2004 at 16:32:00 (PST)

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Don't wait up.
Your Wife.

G-ville Mom
USA - Sunday, February 01, 2004 at 12:31:54 (PST)

Shayne had been drinking at his local pub all day and
most of the night. Mick the bartender says, "You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Shayne."

Shayne replies, "OK, Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Shayne gets up from his chair and steps forward. He
falls flat on his face. He curses, pulls himself up
by a stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step
towards the door and falls flat on his face.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if
he can just get to the door and get some fresh air,
he'll be fine. Shayne belly-crawls to the door and
shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside
and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He
falls flat on his face.

He curses again. He can see his house just a few doors
down. He crawls to the door and shimmies up the
doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He
takes a look up the stairs and says, "No bloody way."
But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door. He
says, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into
the room and falls flat on his face. Shayne crawls
forward, drags himself up by the sheets, and finally
falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Shayne. Did
you have a bit too much to drink last night?"

Shayne says, "I did Mary. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Gville Mom
Gville, CA USA - Friday, January 30, 2004 at 12:54:09 (PST)

Awesome! I'm glad thats all fixed! So While I'm here I'll ask you, "When will the updated picture show up on the web page...One with the cool new tanks?". The place is looking good!
See Ya~
Gville Mom
Gville, CA USA - Friday, January 30, 2004 at 02:11:59 (PST)

Well here is a test....actually this is your test...I'm trying to get the answer right...then I can say "hey Stumpy" goes...
Gville Mom
Gville, CA USA - Friday, January 30, 2004 at 02:06:07 (PST)

USA - Tuesday, January 27, 2004 at 13:15:40 (PST)

Sometimes when I really have to go to the bathroom, I get turned on. Is this strange to you? At first, I thought it was strange but now it gives me all the more reason to drink. Should I consult a physician? What would happen if I actually tried to hump while in this state?
RP, CA USA - Tuesday, January 20, 2004 at 14:54:51 (PST)

Hey, I agree, beer, burps, and farts are all great and fun. Let's keep it light. I do think kids are pretty cool though, and the mamas as well as the papas, oughta be respected. Don't come down so hard. Now back to the good stuff kiddos.... beer, burps, chums, farts, crabs, herpes, and all the rest... good times.... these are the days to remember.....
Kent Reddin
Portland, Oregon USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 18:02:26 (PST)

I vote for more farting, beer, sex, beer, intellectual humor (you know like farting, sex, and beer jokes), etc. I don't know about the rest of you, but when I go to a bar, or a bar website for that matter, I do not want to talk about the joys, or lack there of, of parenting, nor do I want to be a witness to a banter full of hostile undertones from people that used to have more self respect! No offense Rat,and I know how easy it is rto get sucked in (clearly), but enough is enough. And to you, "parent", not to mention whomever you plan to show up as next week, pile your dirty laundry somewhere else, the rest of us are just plain tired of it. As an aside, bravo to the "farting-fucker" for trying to change the subject.....anytime baby, grrrrrr.....
USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 17:25:19 (PST)

Wow, sounds like 'younger and wiser' are a little bitter.... i was actually planning on stopping in for a drink (while in town), but now maybe not.... why all the anger? odd. maybe it's from guilt... not sure about what though. breaking up a family is never anything to be proud of, other than being a child molestor, or a drug dealer, a home wrecker is the worst of them.... drug dealer coming after molestor i guess.... an an adult, i LIKE to sleep in my own bed at night and would be damned if i had to go back and forth with my little suitcase simply because my parents 'grew out of love, fell in love with someone else, or the best one.... needed to find themselves...' i love many of the things that the baby boom generation did for this country, but as far as what they did for families... well they are leaving behing a pretty crappy legacy. i know that they love themselves and all that they did for civil rights, women's rights, the vietnam war.... but they forgot about the building of the soul (that forms in those crucial early years), and about the responsibility that comes with having a child. too bad!! apologize to your children!!
Caitlin Westby
Portland, Oregon USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 16:15:21 (PST)

That's more like it.
USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 15:45:28 (PST)

Slam a parent 'Younger and WISER' but YOU might try to buy a DICTIONARY before you do so. It will be chock full of definitions. Here is one you really need...

the·sau·rus ( P ) Pronunciation Key (th-sôrs)
n. pl. the·sau·ri (-sôr) or the·sau·rus·es
A book of SYNONYMS, often including related and contrasting words and antonyms.
A book of selected words or concepts, such as a specialized vocabulary of a particular field, as of medicine or music.

Latin thsaurus, treasury, from Greek thsauros.]

I am impressed you can READ though. wow. yer deep for a girl.
Parent laughing VERY hard
USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 15:15:21 (PST)

Hey, again, Guestbook -

I've been reading the Guestbook off and on for the last few months but finally got the nerve to write myself. Keep up the good work. i plan on visiting sometime, so keep that "Rat" stuff brewing. i want a taste. here's an idea. What about limiting the number of words in your Guestbook? Then all of us can have a chance at being loquacious. Better buy that Thesaurus, "Parent".

Younger and Wiser (Y&W)
Younger and Wiser
Burlingame, CA USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 14:41:39 (PST)

Hey Guestbook -

Who is this pompous writer of drivel who calls him/herself a "Parent"? This "Parent" might want to invest in a Roget's Thesaurus and look up the meaning of pompous and drivel. Then maybe he/she will stop filling up the Guestbook with rubbish. Can you imagine how boring it must be to listen to this gasbag "Parent" all day I'm sure glad i'm not his/her kid! Gag me with a spoon till I puke!!

Younger and Wiser
Younger and Wiser
Burlingame, CA USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 14:12:16 (PST)

I had a dream the other night that I was with Anna Kournikova. We had a few drinks and she asked if I would like to go back to her place. Reluctantly(I heard she was clingy) I agreed and we headed out. When we got there she was all over me. We undressed each other and I proceeded to spank her with the Donkey. Half way through the luscious love fest she had a most unusual request. She wanted to mount me, ride me, and have me FART and continue to FART throughout the ride. I, being a true gentleman, did what the lady asked me to do. Because I had been drinking Rat Bastard, gas was not a problem. So each time she forcefully lowered the meat curtains down I sqeezed off a round(are Farts round?).

Anyway, I woke up laughing hystERICally, and decided to take it to another level. I know that no male, or female for that matter, would ever admit to this...butt I know it has happened to everyone and at least once it had to be intentional...while taking a shower that morning I decided to replay the dream I had the night prior. While washing vigorously I said to myself..."FART!" I did. WOW, I am a new man with something new to laugh at and am now looking for that special someone to share the experience with. If there is anyone out there with the GUTS and honesty to relive this with me and make this a 2 person reality...please let me know.
gross butt funny
RP, CA USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 13:18:55 (PST)

I have a horrible case of the fartskies and I wanted to share it with MY world. So as I go the the one place I know of that I can speak without being misunderstood, I realize that there are people out there who read things the wrong way as well as hide true feelings under alias' and the cloak of "El Stumpo". So, in turn, I guess I am forced to share my rotten butt with other certain someones. Oh well. All good things come to an end, and today at least...all bad things come out of mine.

innocent bystander
RP, CA USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 10:32:24 (PST)

Hmm. This went the wrong way. Grandama sent the Cost of Kids note, I am sure with no malice. Many folks dig this S-Town G-Book page and occassionally I still speak to a few, so i stuck it here for all the parents and friends. Also with no intended malice to anyone. You have always been fun to talk to guy. Your candor and verbal wit are certainly your charm. 'No worries' mate there are and have never been tricks up this sleeve. My heart exists for my little one and my lines of communication have always been open should you need them. Peace.
USA - Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 08:55:44 (PST)

Interesting spin.
Shouldn't it have been a little longer?
Apparently the factual weight of a position is measured in pounds.
One wonders whose benefit this performance is aimed.
Podunk, Ca USA - Wednesday, January 14, 2004 at 15:57:58 (PST)

I must say I am sorry to read such a tone of resentment in your note. Try to remember everything in the world is not an attack on you and that the birth parent of the child you live with will always be a major part of their childs life and even yours to some extent. Maintaining relationships in such an environment can be challenging but it is about the child and not you versus that birth parent. I would venture to say if you are using your ‘stalling tactics and negotiating skills’ inside this relationship it cannot be the wisest choice for the child. You may want to try an age old self psychology trick and put yourself in that ex-spouses shoes, imagine the difficulties they face being separated from their child and what it must be like for them having you so deeply involved with their child. You are probably forced into the middle of the ‘new relationship’ this person has with their ex-spouse as well and this must be a hard place to be.
There is a well known author, Dr Susan Forward whom I would suggest you look up, I did. She has written many books surrounding many issues from 'toxic parents', 'emotional blackmail', 'toxic in-laws' and the well known 'men who hate women and the women who love them'. Who knows what you may find. It is sad but true, it takes many years to recover and grow from a marriage that has resulted in a divorce and even after so much time, moving forward for all the parties involved is a big task. It must be difficult to be in your shoes and I sympathize.
For me, I try to remember when dealing with my ex and her new significant other, the important thing is not their reaction to challenges that arise but my response. If I can stand fast in the face of fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, it is when I experience my finest hours.

Parent back to 'step'
USA - Wednesday, January 14, 2004 at 10:10:03 (PST)

Ofcourse, 160k is the book value. Depending on your negotiating skills and/or stalling tactics you can probably buy worship for half that.
As for immortality and naming rights there's always the "International Star Registry". It's only $54, plus shipping and handling.

Step Parent
Podunk, Ca USA - Tuesday, January 13, 2004 at 18:01:03 (PST)

Subject: Cost of Kids

Cost of Kids.......... I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice!!

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family.

Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just
over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140?

Your own sense of living forever! It is a little piece of both you and your wife that will go on forever. Family, by blood naming rights. First, middle, and last! Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate. A partner
for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney
movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the
garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter,filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a football team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step,
first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing,criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God.

You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever.

This is true love without limits, so . . one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

Think. Just Think.

USA - Tuesday, January 13, 2004 at 14:25:58 (PST)

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just
because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic
Who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back...From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out
to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour? "She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite:
"It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches...We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. We will fix it later, right. Marriages fail and children wind up with drug problems because we won’t stop and look at OURSELVES. It is ok, ‘just keep moving on.’

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter,and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken,and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her or five minutes,and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list.
If you were going to die soon and hadonly one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or Listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day onthe fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a once in a lifetime friendship just die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an
Unopened gift!
...Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!"

For the girls
USA - Thursday, January 08, 2004 at 10:29:51 (PST)

Hi There Stumpy,
I am almost offended...I use your site almost everyday...and I show it off to people I know all over the place on the web...I tried to Thank You in your guest book, but it says I am a spam risk....I hate spam...any way you serve it...but I am over it...I do though want to say thank you for the weather info..I know 24-7 I can come here and find out how far I have to move the cars from down here on Mill St..The other mom turning 40 had me writing a silly story...but it was disgarded as spam...and I really have to get the cars you know..I am taking on water as I type...I think I need a beer...tee hee...~from a Silent Fan in town...please pass on the "no wake" to sightseers if you don't of these days I will make it in...I feel like I am always there...but have yet to come down...I will have to take up drinking beer.......could you please not post my email addy?

Gville Mom~
Guerneville, USA - Friday, January 02, 2004 at 13:46:55 (PST)

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