"Is that you?" Mom called on Sunday. She told me that I was, in fact 40 years old, but declined to double check my birth certificate even though I ranted, threatened lawsuits and told her I was going to make her come to my house and carry my weights up to the attic...again.
Woah, kids. I turned 40 freakin' years old.
I don't feel 40 most days. People say I don't look 40...most days. Aside from my ex-wife, people seem to feel like I act 40 most days, although I try not to most of the time. I can still run, but not fast enough. I have had many friends turn 40 and it just doesn't seem possible.
I share my Birthday with Lt. Cmdr. Uhura of the Starship Enterprise (who is 67). The Lone Ranger and Dennis Wilson of the Beach Boys kicked the bucket on that same day of the year. Back in 1959, "The Chipmunk Song” reentered the chart and peaked at #41 on the pop singles chart…ahem…I remember them all. I admit it, I loved that damn song.
I have watched Godzilla and was amazed the special effects, listened to entire KISS albums (sorry Mom), drank countless cans of Grainbelt Beer, felt those bell bottom corduroys as I walked down the street and smelled fresh Southern California air.
Man it slips away.
In 40 years it will be 2043. If I am still around will I be getting timely Soc Security checks? Will the Vikes actually win a Super bowl? Will I ever know why it is that when someone tells me that there are over a billion stars in the universe, I believe them, but if there is a 'wet paint' sign somewhere, I just gotta touch it to make sure?
I guess I must face the facts that some things will never happen now. I'll never dunk a basketball, try out for the NFL, make a 'Diamond anniversary’ or play Hamlet (you looked ridiculous Mel!). I am officially in the no-mans land betwixt children’s prices and senior discounts. I am about to capitulate, donning the black socks to go with my sandals, a bitterly sad precursor to imminent loss of fashion awareness.
I am thankful for many things, however. Here are the top 10 things I am thankful for regarding 40:
1. I am not in San Quentin doing 40 years.
2. I am still with 40 lbs of my ‘target weight’.
3. I still have hair on over 40% of my head.
4. There are still a couple singers on the top 40 that I recognize (although most are over 40…)
5. It is still possible I shoot an honest 40 on 9 holes of golf.
6. I know at least 40 people who wish they were 40 again…
7. ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ wasn’t 40 minutes longer.
8. Vinnie Testeverde and Jerry Rice, BOTH 40, still play football.
9. I stayed awake long enough to read the last 40 pages of ‘Cold Mountain’.
10. My apologies have been accepted more than 40 times.
In conclusion, It is a funny and strange new world I watch as I grow older. My preferences and perceptions have changed along with me and much of it is fueled by this technological rocket we stamp as progress. Hell, I think of three espressos as "getting wasted”, I haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years and yesterday I pull up in my own driveway and use my cell phone to see if anyone is home.
I smile at Jessica and I try to see the future. I know someday I will have to e-mail her in her room to tell her that dinner is ready, and she will e-mail me back with a "What's for dinner?", I fully expect her to sell Girl Scout Cookies via her web site and ‘chat’ 3 or 4 times with a strange guy from South Africa, but won’t have spoken to Dad all day.
“Eric? I just wanted to call to say Happy Birthday, Honey!”
Thanks Mom. This ‘40’s for you
Big OLD me...
USA - Monday, December 29, 2003 at 14:26:28 (PST)
So I have a pretty normal life. I work, go to the gym and rant at the Vikes, sprinkle in a bit of 3 yr old daughter and it's damn fun. I must say, the season does do weird things to me though.
I was struggling in the grip of my Viking induced, hyperactive counter cultural behavioralisms on a recent Sunday afternoon, when I was suddenly infused with a seizure of brute strength. It flowed through me like a river of electricity. I cried out with joy and I grabbed my brute-ish fur footstool by both of the side tabs and hurled it forward against my 32 in Sony TV. It was weak, and I was strong.
It is a wonderful kind of feeling that comes on me more and more these days, as I become stronger and stronger. All these hours spent lifting weights and sneaking periodic perverted peeks at the scantily clad female’s gym enthusiasts seem to be paying off in bulk.
Anyway, I got into a conversation with a chick who claimed to be named Jennifer. She said she was an actress, but saw my Vikings tattoo and was also a serious sports fan. Of course I related my connections to Major Motion Picture Companies worldwide and my budding career as a TV sportscaster with the NFL. "I would do anything, if it will let me come face to face with a true hero of Football on television," she said, almost desperately. "Nothing will prevent me from making this dream come true. Nothing!"
"EXACTLY!" I said. "Your dream must come true! What can I do to help?"
She laughed harshly.
"I have the most beautiful breasts of any woman in the world, and I can prove it on worldwide TV. That is how you can help me."
This happens every time I go to the gym. I am a good lookin’ blue eyed Dane, in fact -- but I am also deeply involved in many other arts and disciplines and sometimes very dangerous persuasions that have little to do with the sparkling world of hitting on and lying to girls I meet at 24 hr fitness.
Yes sirrie. But as you and I both know, there is a huge difference between the words "little" and "nothing."
Nothing means Never, and little means Maybe, or almost never. Ho ho ho. I almost never killed people who crossed me when I was drunk. ...That will make for interesting conversations in a courtroom. It is the difference between Guilty and Innocent.
December is an ugly month for finding a good woman. It is a desperate season for most people, but not for me this year, because I am turning into a Body Nazi, and I feel pretty good about it. Ho ho ho. Yes sir. Nothing can hurt me for at least 30 days, and by then I will be twice as strong and crazy as I am now.
Which is pretty damn crazy, on some days, but that is only gossip. "Crazy" is a term of art: "Insane" is a term of Law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble.
(The Marquis De Sade was born crazy and he did monumentally crazy things every day of his utterly degenerate life… But he was only insane when he got locked up in jail.)
That is the Cruelty of these morbid times I live. My picture of a true mate is not the only pillar of Faith that is crumbling all around me. Even America’s Military power is failing. If we get chased out of Iraq with our tail between our legs, that will be the fifth damn consecutive Third-world nothing of a country with no hint of a Navy or an Air Force to kicked our ass in the past 40 years! Which happens to be my age. Almost.
If the U.S. had a national Football team with a record like that, we would have fired the Coach a long time ago! Shit canned fast and hard, thrown to the sorry world of sports commentary losers like Denny Green. Nobody can lose all the time and still stay in power. Even Adolf Hitler was forced to kill himself after destroying Germany. He was a murderous speed freak who wanted to rule the world. He was hated and feared by his own Generals. Everybody freakin’ hated Hitler. (Hell even Eva didn’t fuck the guy). He was too crazy to live -- yet he did rule the world for 12 years and four months, and he got away with it.
But so what? The point is, anything is possible for the Strong. But the Weak will always be punished. It is a law of Nature -- or it was, in the good old days when men were men and girls were the only ones with beautiful bouncing breasts.
"What?" Where are we going with this story? What happened in my brain to make me talk, or even think, like this? Am I turning into a Pervert?
No. I am only thinking back on that shameless girl from 24 hr Fitness who wanted to get famous by exposing her naked body on TV.
"Don't ever speak to me again about exposing your breasts," I told her. "You are about 15 years too late for that kind of everyday fame. Get back to me when you think of something original. My cell number is 707-479-9578, do you want my home one and e-mail also?"
The takeaway close can be a very effective tool warming up that vacant, cold side of the bed.
That ol' college F#$K!
USA - Tuesday, December 16, 2003 at 13:54:35 (PST)
There are 2 cannibals sitting there at the brewery. One gets up and heads into the bathroom. After a few minutes...he comes out of the ladies room with a huge smile on his face. His buddy asks, "what are you so happy about?". He replies, "I just dumped my girlgriend."
steggieville, steg USA - Monday, December 15, 2003 at 15:39:14 (PST)
Thanks for allowing me and my partners from Xck to puke on your patio. Rat Bastard makes me fart. E was right, the best place to drop the kids off at the pool is the ladies room. I took pictures if you are interested.
RP, CA USA - Monday, December 15, 2003 at 10:37:09 (PST)
Holy Moley! It's Christmas again, just like that, and the air is crisp with young footballs. There will be NFL games on TV every day from now until January and, after that, March of next year, which is a long way off.
The Gods of Sport are always Hungry in the winter. They feed twice a day, and they don't take no for an answer.
I was brooding on this last night, when the phone rang and jerked me back to reality. It was my old friend Mark Withers, calling from Los Angeles with a frog in his throat. I could barely hear his voice.
"Speak up!" I said sharply. "I thought I told you never to call me on a cell phone. You sound like some kind of Eskimo whore."
"Sorry," he whispered. "I'll call you back on a land line." Then I thought I heard him laugh, just before the phone went dead again.
"Are you drunk?" I asked when he called back.
"No," he replied. "I am high on life. Good things are happening out here. Jack Nicholson wants to run in the Marathon this year, along with Naomi Watts and that other girl from 'Mulholland Drive.' I forget her name ... "
"Laura," I said. "Her name is Laura Harring. I remember her well."
"Exactly!" he croaked. "That love scene with Naomi almost drove me crazy. That's why I'm feeling so high. I can hardly wait to get my hands on her. She is impossibly beautiful." And then he moaned.
"Calm down!" I warned him. "Don't embarrass yourself in public. People will lose all respect for you."
"Public?" he said nervously. "What do you mean, public? We are talking on a secure land line. I would never talk like that in a public place. So you think I am stupid?"
"Of course not," I told him. "You are nowhere near stupid. You are smart as a whip. Nothing stupid will ever come between us -- at least not in public."
"What are you trying to tell me?" he snapped. "Are you already jealous of me?"
"No," I said. "I am jealous of Jack. Both of those girls are staying with him in Honolulu, so you will never get your filthy Canadian hands on either one of them. They are locked in with Jack for the whole week. He will have you killed if you mess with his women."
He laughed. "Jack would never have me killed," he said. "I am very valuable to him."
"That's what Keyshawn Johnson said," I told him with a sneer in my voice. "And look what happened to him: Chopped down like a weed, dismissed, de-activated, kicked out of Tampa forever!"
"Good riddance," he snarled. "I never really liked that loopy bastard, anyway. He is chicken-crap. His career should have been put to sleep a long time ago. I hate that swine!"
I cursed and hung up the phone. I was tired of his crazy gibberish -- particularly when he talked about "getting his hands on that girl from 'Mulholland Drive'." It almost made me sick to listen to him jabber. Just because he was the ‘Crest guy’ and acted in a couple of Magnum PI’s back in the 70’s doesn't means he's not a pervert.
So I called him back and got snide with him.
"You worthless pervert," I said. "You are a disgrace to everything you touch. Just because you are an actor doesn't give you the right to look down on normal people. When I get to LA, I'm going to kick the snot out of your lame ass."
He giggled and hung up on me.
"So what?" I said to Jess. "Let's put another log on the fire and go swimming."
"Daddy, it’s pouring rain outside."
"Wonderful," I replied. "The cold will only make us stronger."
That Ol' College F%$K!
USA - Thursday, December 11, 2003 at 15:50:02 (PST)
>December 8, 2003
>Dear Mr. Bush,
>Well, it's going on two weeks now since your surprise visit to one of
>two countries you now run and, I have to say, I'm still warmed by the
>gesture. Man, take me along next time! I understand only 13 members of the
>media went with you -- and it turns out only ONE of them was an actual
>reporter for a newspaper. But you did take along FIVE photographers (hey, I
>get it, screw the words, it's all about the pictures!), a couple wire
>service guys, and a crew from the Fox News Channel (fair and balanced!).
>Then, I read in the paper this weekend that that big turkey you were
>holding in Baghdad (you know, the picture that's supposed to replace the
>now-embarrassing footage of you on that aircraft carrier with the sign
>"Mission Accomplished") -- well, it turns out that big, beautiful turkey of
>yours was never eaten by the troops! It wasn't eaten by anyone! That's
>because it wasn't real! It was a STUNT turkey, brought in to look like a
>real edible turkey for all those great camera angles.
>Now I know some people will say you are into props (like the one in the
>lower extremities of your flyboy suit), but hey, I get it, this is theater!
>So what if it was a bogus turkey? The whole trip was bogus, all staged to
>look like "news." The fake honey glaze on that bird wasn't much different
>from the fake honey glaze that covers this war. And the fake stuffing in
>the fake bird was just the right symbol for our country during these times.
>America loves fake honey glaze, it loves to be stuffed, and, dammit, YOU
>knew that -- that's what makes you so in touch with the people you lead!
>It was also a good idea that you made the "press" on that trip to
>pull the shades down on the plane. No one in the media entourage
>complained. They like the shades pulled and they like to be kept in the
>dark. It's more fun that way. And, when you made them take the batteries
>out of their cell phones so they wouldn't be able to call anyone, and they
>dutifully complied -- that was genius! I think if you had told them to put
>their hands on their heads and touch their noses with their tongues, they
>would have done that, too! That's how much they like you. You could have
>played "Simon Says" the whole way over there. It wouldn't have been that
>much different from "Karl Says," a game they LOVE to play every day with
>Well, if you're planning any surprises for Christmas, don't forget to
>include me. When I heard last week that you wanted to send a man back to
>the moon, I thought, get the fake goose ready -- that's where ol' George is
>going for the holidays! I don't blame you, what with nearly 3 million jobs
>disappeared, and a $281 billion surplus disappeared, and the USA stuck in a
>war that will never end -- who wouldn't want to go to the moon! This time,
>take ALL the media with you! Embed them on the moon! They'll love it there!
>It looks just like Crawford! You can golf on the moon, too. You'll have so
>much fun up there, you might not want to come back. Better take Cheney with
>you, too. Pretend it's a medical experiment or something. "That's one small
>step for man, one giant leap for every American who's sick and tired of all
USA - Tuesday, December 09, 2003 at 06:58:18 (PST)
>MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court
>and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is
>crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said
>she's f**king Goofy."
>One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very
>attracted to him and during her questions about his life she
>asked him how he engaged to have sex.
>"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was
>and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
>Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will
>show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay
>down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she pointed,
>"you must put it in here."
>Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her
>an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
>Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do
>that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
>complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio,
>therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto
>suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio
>skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio
>bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
>Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
>LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods
>when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree
>and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to
>screw your brains out!"
>To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
>basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and
>said, "No, you're not.You're going to eat me, just like it says
>in the book."
USA - Tuesday, November 11, 2003 at 14:42:32 (PST)
Other well kept secrets just for fun and to see who's on the ball-
Luminaries born on October 27:
1) Theodore Roosevelt: US president, Nobel Peace Prize winner, Soldier, anti trust champion, national park creator.
2) Nicolo Paganini: Italian romantic violinist
3) Dylan Thomas: Welsh poet, playwright, script, short story writer, alcoholic, died at age thirty.
4) Ruby Dee: stage, TV actress
5) Roy Lichtenstein: pop artist
6) John Clees: BritishTV comedian, Fawlty Towers, Monty Python,
USA - Monday, October 27, 2003 at 23:35:00 (PST)
There's the wonderful love of a beautiful maid,
And the love of a staunch true man,
And the love of a baby that's unafraid-
All have existed since time began.
But the most wonderful love, the Love of all loves,
Even greater of the love for Mother,
Is the infinite, tenderest, passionate love
Of one dead drunk for another.
USA - Friday, October 24, 2003 at 23:01:20 (PDT)
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed - Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy
USA - Tuesday, September 23, 2003 at 12:08:50 (PDT)
Just had to say hello, looks like a great place for a beer or two. I enjoyed my virtual visit :-)
Liverpool, UK - Wednesday, September 10, 2003 at 03:48:23 (PDT)
This last entry inspires me once again to say how impressed I am with the level of intelligence around here. Occasionally, even brilliance! I bet Ernest (and Fordo?*^&??) has a really big mind! BB
USA - Friday, August 29, 2003 at 16:57:45 (PDT)
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with the fools he must come in contact with every day.
USA - Thursday, August 28, 2003 at 09:59:32 (PDT)
When i read about the evils of drinking, i gave up reading.
concord , ca USA - Saturday, August 23, 2003 at 22:16:02 (PDT)
One of my favorite things about Stumptown Brewery (aside from the "rat") is the ability to exercise the option. It's always good to have an option, even if you don't exercise it. What a treat! EVERYONE who goes to Stumptown Brewery has the ability to exercise this option....whether you are a big fat sissy cowboy, or a cum guzzling gutter slut with a tongue tickling for tequila. Time has proven (it's been a year now) that it's not always a good thing to exercise that option, (i.e., CG squared, tongue tickling!) but again, nice to know it's there! Happy Option Anniversary Rat! Cheers, BB
USA - Friday, August 15, 2003 at 09:11:16 (PDT)
Stopped in yesterday for a couple of horns of the "Rat".
I am a better person for it today!!
Windsor, CA USA - Monday, July 14, 2003 at 12:29:59 (PDT)
I love hang time at stumptown...tossing a few down with the girls and flushing my sunglasses down the toilet.....
Santa Rosa, CA USA - Friday, July 11, 2003 at 15:25:26 (PDT)
Is there a winning and losing? Learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.
USA - Tuesday, June 17, 2003 at 19:12:02 (PDT)
What's hoppin' Stumptown,
I commend you on your ingenuity, your perseverance, and your choice of brewers. Cogratulations on your success. You have a fantastic website! How did you come up with your establishment's name? I look forward to checking you guys out this summer.
Stumptown, OR USA - Friday, April 25, 2003 at 22:43:25 (PDT)
I just crapped myself....again and I want everyone to know.
Rotten Pork, ca USA - Friday, April 11, 2003 at 12:07:33 (PDT)
Its bad enough that I keep getting spammed to death by these credit card debt offers. It seems like everywhere I turn I see
ads for repair
credit this and that. Now these companies are posting messages on your guest book to advertise their credit
counseling services? Give me a break! Maybe some of us don’t mind having bad credit and
just want to use the Internet in peace. Post your junk elsewhere. none.
Sun City, OR US - Tuesday, March 11, 2003 at 23:24:44 (PST)
Some real crackers on this website that's for sure. Christmas? Utopia? What happened to beer, golf, and cunt jokes??? Oh, how I miss the good old days.....
USA - Friday, February 28, 2003 at 17:26:26 (PST)
Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about? -Charlie Brown
Gotta Love Peanuts
Spain - Monday, February 24, 2003 at 07:42:42 (PST)
Sundays too my father got up early, and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold, then with cracked hands that ached from labor in the weekday weather made banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him. But thanks for this site!
Missoula, MT - Saturday, February 22, 2003 at 19:09:12 (PST)
Damn, just too long in between drinks. I'm dying over here.
In town this weekend have plenty of the Rat on tap. The Pinky storm is a coming!!!!
All I CAn Get, ca USA - Wednesday, January 29, 2003 at 18:00:04 (PST)
Hey I really like your site. I have found some of the information here
helpfull. Thanks :)
Memphis, TN US - Tuesday, January 21, 2003 at 21:49:42 (PST)
I hope you can help...
I'm looking for a pair of mud flaps for my boyfriend's F250 Ford Truck, I'm sure you know what kind I'm talking about. Do you know where I can get some mud flaps with the silhouette of the naked lady on them. He has been asking for them for christmas, his birthday and every other time I have to buy him something? Please let me know, I thought I had secured a pair however Truckaddons.com cannot locate them anymore. Thanks for you time!
SHEBOYGAN, WI USA - Wednesday, January 15, 2003 at 07:31:14 (PST)
Been missing ya'll a bunch lately. Something about sippin' pints next to that toasty Stumptown fire during the rainy season. Gets me all tingly inside. Hey! How about posting some pics of the Stumptown BABIES!! Oregon's treating me kindly, Azure's growing up fast (in kindergarten already!!)....all is groovy. Take care of yo' bad selves!! Peace.
Portland, OR USA - Friday, December 27, 2002 at 17:14:32 (PST)
heard about the recent weather up there and started to miss the river all over again. We hate it down here and plan to be back in 3 years. Otherwise all is well. Tell Carla, E, and Jessica that the next time they are down this way to ring us up. Happy Holidays.
Daniel, Kari, and James.
P.S. Give our regards to all.
huntington beach, ca USA - Saturday, December 21, 2002 at 17:13:34 (PST)
yes, a wonderful website, and I heartily encourage anyone signing the guestbook to plan a little trip and come visit us here along the Russian River. Even though I'm old and have fallen off the smoking wagon I still manage to get down to the ol' waterin' hole once in a while. Good food, great beer...and friends.
guerneville, ca USA - Saturday, December 21, 2002 at 08:40:19 (PST)
I miss you guys! Raney is so big now--5 months old and at least 20 lbs. Ford is also getting older and bigger--just celebrated 41 times around the sun, and quit smoking...he's polishing off the Ben&Jerry's like crazy. (But, he's doing a great thing with quitting!) Is Stumptown having a holiday bash or potluck? Can we come? And will Warren bring his famous deviled eggs?
Guerneville, CA USA - Saturday, December 14, 2002 at 00:03:02 (PST)
Wise words once heard at Stumptown:
TAKE THE F***ING MONEY!!
crazy red-headed Oregonian
Portland, Or USA - Tuesday, November 19, 2002 at 14:29:51 (PST)
Nice site--place looks hella-fun! I will have to stop in next time I go through your ways. Keep up the good work!
Portland, OR USA - Tuesday, November 19, 2002 at 14:23:24 (PST)
You have a great site! It is cool!! :)
CA USA - Thursday, November 14, 2002 at 18:07:08 (PST)
I think this website should have jokes
st.louis, missisouri USA - Tuesday, October 01, 2002 at 19:14:24 (PDT)
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
The letter begins:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, due to poor project management, I found I had many bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Guerneville, CA USA - Tuesday, September 17, 2002 at 11:30:41 (PDT)
"Thththe the thats all folks!"
USA - Monday, July 22, 2002 at 11:07:35 (PDT)
It was sometime in September,
as far as I remember.
I was full of booze and full of stinking pride.
As I lay down in the gutter
I could neither speak nor splutter,
when a pig came up and lay down by my side.
And a lady passing by was heard to say:
"You can tell a man who boozes,
by the company he chooses."
So the pig got up and briskly walked away.
Stumptown, USA - Monday, July 22, 2002 at 09:28:03 (PDT)
Main Entry: pa·thet·ic
Etymology: Middle French or Late Latin; Middle French pathetique, from Late Latin patheticus, from Greek pathEtikos capable of feeling, pathetic, from paschein (aorist pathein) to experience, suffer -- more at PATHOS
Empirical evidence seems to prove that 'capable of feeling' is, in fact, something the 'liberated woman' has little concept of. My mistake and appologies. 'You had me at hello'. G'day.
USA - Monday, July 22, 2002 at 09:05:32 (PDT)
You just keep ACTING that's what you're good at! Pathetic.
USA - Sunday, July 21, 2002 at 20:18:11 (PDT)
Sundance: "What are you doin'?" Butch: "Stealin' your woman." Sundance: "Oh. Take her,take her." Butch: "You're a real sentimental bastard, you know that."
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid - 1969
USA - Friday, July 19, 2002 at 12:27:46 (PDT)
-- REDNECK HAIKU
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
Hey, maybe I can get on
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No night crawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
God damn Jeff Gordon
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'clock
In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
stumptown, USA - Tuesday, May 28, 2002 at 16:02:09 (PDT)
Welcome to hell
One day a Greggy Zuckert died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with the devil.
The demon was named Peter and asked, "Hey Greggy, Why so glum?"
Zuck responded, "What do you think dumbass? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," Peter the devil said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," Gregger said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Our favorite Hell brewed beer is Rat Bastard and it is free. We drink till we throw up and fall down and then we pony up to the bar and drink some more!"
Greggy is astounded. "Hot damn, that sounds great!"
"You a smoker?" Peter asked.
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, Gregger said, "that's awesome!"
The demon Peter continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
Zuck said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," Greggy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Pete the devil smiled and said "You gay?"
Big ol' jokin' E
USA - Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 12:32:17 (PDT)
Big ol' E calls his boss in the morning:
"Hey boss, I cant come work today I feel really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I wont be in."
The boss says:
"You know, E I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blow job. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later ol' E calls:
"Hey there chief, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. Oh, by the way, you got a great house."
USA - Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 12:13:33 (PDT)
Carla saves the day!
A few days ago, Eric Steggy was hangin' at the bar all day (how unusual)! As the story goes he got up from the bar and headed for the bathroom to pinch a loaf. A few minutes later, this loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. No one thought anything of it, sometimes Steggy gets upset seeing the diminished size of his manhood and vents a bit.
A few minutes after that, here comes another louder scream reverberating through the bar and out onto the beach. Carla said she was worried the neighbors would call the cops on the bar next door again thinking someone over there got an overdose of antifreeze up the snooz and there goes buisness for the afternoon at Stump, so she is forced to go knock on the door of the women's room (Steggy always goes in there...) to investigate why Eric is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" she yells. "Knock it off, you're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," whined Eric, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
Carla reluctantly opened the door, looked in, and says, "You butthead! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
That Carla, what a lifesaver!
Barwatch committee member #4
CA USA - Wednesday, May 15, 2002 at 08:53:36 (PDT)
$1 million prize fish at large in beer company contest
Published May 7, 2002
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. -- Dig out the waders: There's a fish out there worth $1 million to the angler who reels it in.
In a contest to promote its Busch brand of beer, Anheuser-Busch Inc. has tagged 40 fish and placed one into each of 40 bodies of water around the United States.
A $1 million grand-prize tag has been attached to one of the fish, named Big Jake. The remaining 39 have been tagged for secondary prizes of $1,000.
The second-annual ``Catch Big Jake'' contest started Saturday and runs through June 4. It is supported by the National Fish and Wildlife Foundation, a nonprofit organization that was created to help conserve and manage fish, wildlife and plant resources and their habitats.
An angler who lands a tagged fish will be directed to call a special telephone number and find out whether it's Big Jake.
Big E note to Stump's Fishermen!!
USA - Tuesday, May 07, 2002 at 10:38:55 (PDT)
(For all those sheep lovin' guys at Stumptown...)
LAKE ELMO: Sheep and Wool Festival
Published May 5, 2002
The 5th annual Shepherd's Harvest Sheep and Wool Festival will feature just about everything related to sheep.
You can watch demonstrations of sheep shearing, and herding by border collies. There'll be demonstrations and classes for such things as spinning, felting, knitting and natural dyeing.
Visitors can also visit an authentic Mongolian yurt -- a circular tent made from felt.
The festival is 9 a.m.-5 p.m. Saturday and 10 a.m.-4 p.m. next Sunday. Washington County Fairgrounds, 12300 N. 40th St., Lake Elmo. It's free. 651-459-8554.
SNN News Report
StumpTown, CA USA - Monday, May 06, 2002 at 10:04:08 (PDT)
Jessica Ariel Bakker was born January last year. Moments after she got in the room after delivery, I held her up (within 10 inches-that is as far as they can see...) to the TV in the hospital so she could take a view of the Vikes stomping the Saints. She now, and for the rest of her life can truthfully say "I have been a Vikings fan since the day I was born!"
On last Thursday, April 18th, Jessica was in her stroller while Mom was cleaning her office. Jessica started getting a little jumpy so Mom swept the floor and set her down for a moment to finish up. She then lost her balance sitting on a stool and fell over, as 14 month olds do. Mom picked her up to calm her down and was terrified to see a 16 penny nail sticking out of her head! An ambulance screamed her to Santa Rosa Memorial and she was then immediately helicopter to Oakland Children's Hospital for an emergency removal operation. Being a true blood Viking, she laughed and pushed buttons in the copter all the way there as if no big deal. The Oakland Children's Hospitals doctors really were amazing and promptly removed the nail which was embedded 2 1/2 inches into her head. Miraculously, she has absolutely no damage what-so-ever and is happily at home waiting for the upcoming Vikings season with nothing but a few stitches!
14 months after she was born and watched the Vices in the hospital, she sat Saturday in yet another and gave the 'Touchdown' sign as we cheered when the Vices drafted Bryant McKinney. Now that's a real fan!
Eric, Carla and Jessica Bakker live in Monte Rio, California. All three, paint and dress for every game.
The biggest lil Vikes Fan's dad
USA - Thursday, April 25, 2002 at 12:47:42 (PDT)
SNN News Report
Robbers held after dramatic chase through Poland
April 3, 2002 Posted: 10:30 AM EST (1530 GMT) by Uncle Big Ol’ E
KIEV, Ukraine -- A high-speed police chase across three countries has ended with the capture of a gang of bank robbers and the release of their two women hostages.
Ukrainian police arrested the three gunmen who had robbed a bank in Germany of $174,000 and taken two bank workers hostage after a two-day 150 kph police chase.
The silver getaway car was tracked by convoys of police cars and helicopters over more than 1,000 kilometres (620 miles) through Germany, Poland and Ukraine.
The robbers traveled across Germany, all of Poland and into Ukraine before they were stopped.
Polish Interior Minister Krysztof Janik, said on the national Polish Radio (that reaches only seven listeners because they only have 7 cans and 40 yrds of string) said that Poland had allowed the robbers to pass undisturbed because “Our officers are highly skilled in turning on and off their patrol cars, but are not yet very proficient in directing them forward or stopping them after putting them in gear.”
Two of the women later escaped during a refueling stop near the southeastern Polish city of Lublin, when the robbers pulled over at a gas station only to discover that “In Poland we don’t have GAS at gas stations…God they are dumb.” Polish police said.
"We could have stopped them many times after they ran out of gas and were pushing their car, but the question is at what price," Janik said in the radio interview. It was later explained to the Minister that Poland that general procedure in other countries is to arrest dangerous criminals and that Poland would not have actually had to pay the robbers after they might have stopped them. “Oh…well. That’s different.” Replied Krystof
He said shooting at a car driving would have been "unacceptable", because there are many complex dynamics to pointing a gun in the correct direction one wishes to fire.
On Tuesday, the masked men robbed a bank in the northwestern German town of Uelzen and took two employees of the Sparkasse Bank hostage after forcing the bank manager to hand over money.
Describing the escape in Poland of two of the hostages, A Polish eyewitness told Radio Zhit: "Uh…what?” She is clearly the sharpest witness to the escape and later added the valuable addition to her account by relating “Huh?”
The raiders had escaped after holding a gun to the head of one of three hostages they had earlier seized in the bank. The third hostage, the head of the bank branch, was released unharmed.
Worldwide reoprtin' E
USA - Wednesday, April 03, 2002 at 14:57:43 (PST)
Nude gardener's conviction overturned(unedited by Big E, too funny as it is……)
Published Mar 26, 2002HARRISBURG, Pa. -- Pennsylvania's indecent exposure law apparently doesn't cover nude gardeners.A three-judge panel of the state Superior Court has thrown out a central Pennsylvania man's indecent exposure conviction stemming from his penchant for doing yard work in the buff.Charles Stitzer, 63, was charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct in September 2000 for wearing only shoes and a watch while gardening in his back yard in Pleasant Gap on a summer night.Stitzer, a retired mechanical draftsman, said he often shed clothes to do yard work and beat the summer heat in the town of 1,700 about eight miles north of State College.A neighbor, Pam Watkins, and her 15-year-old daughter reported him to police when they saw him gardening without clothes. Stitzer said he wanted to persuade Watkins to dim her outdoor floodlights that shone on his property.Stitzer was sentenced to two years of probation on the charges.The Superior Court last week ruled that Stitzer's situation wasn't covered by the state's indecent exposure law because his backyard is private and his offended neighbor lived too far away, 65 yards.Horror story of maggots born in patients' noses at Kansas City hospital
KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- Maggots were born in the noses of two comatose patients four years ago at a city Veteran's Administration hospital infested by mice and flies, according to a medical journal report released Monday.
The story in the Archives of Internal Medicine details the 1998 infestation. It said mice would sometimes dash over the feet of employees in the hospital director's suite.
Hospital officials said “Geezuz cripes! The flippin’ people are brain dead. It’s not like it can bother 'em any!” Barbara Shatto, the hospital's quality manager, said the hospital scored 99 out of 100 when it was inspected by the Joint Commission on Accreditation of Hospital Organizations in October and that the mice and maggots accounted for the missing point.
``We learned from that incident and took action to make sure it doesn't happen again,'' said Pat Landon, the hospital's director of facilities “next time we are getting that damn 100 score!”.
Electronic fly-control devices were promptly installed, and pest-control workers began using live traps for the mice. “Those lil’ dirty bastards kept me from getting’ me bonus”. Said Ringo the janitor “I’ve gotten’ me bonus every quarter for almost a year, since I was almost sacked for crankin’ me todger in a como’s ear, but I stopped all that and got me a blow up fer me after hours, I promise.”
Maggots were found in the nostrils of one patient on July 22, 1998, the article said. Maggots were found in the nose of a second patient on Sept. 30, 1998. Klotz said the maggots were removed immediately and that neither patient was harmed by the infestation. The first patient died two days after the maggots were found but the cause of death was unrelated he apparently died by severe ear infection from a sticky white substance yet unidentifed.
Klotz said he found a few other cases where flies laid eggs in patients at other hospitals and “neeener neener neener”.
SNNews Network Returns
Worldwide baby!, USA - Tuesday, March 26, 2002 at 14:50:39 (PST)
DON'T GO BEATIN' AN UGANDAN WOMAN OR BE PREPARED TO SUFFER PAL!
KAMPALA, Uganda -- A Ugandan woman bit off her husband's penis and testicles during an argument, police said on Wednesday.
The satisfied woman, Annet Minduru, 30, was in police custody in the capital Kampala and could be charged with causing grievous bodily harm, "She sure has BALLS!" said the officer in charge of the station, Vigilius Okuni "The GRIEVOUS bodily harm charge will be determined after we have had a chance to WEIGH all the EVIDENCE".
The case come on the heels of a survey showing LENGTHY levels of domestic violence and an apparent mad rush of nut consumption in some parts of Uganda.
The independent Monitor newspaper said Minduru had bitten off (more than she could chew...)John Ndekeezi's penis and testicles on Sunday night after her dumb ass 45-year-old husband slapped her like the low down snake he is...er... WAS...
"She is really NUTS" Said the hubby in his best Mike Tyson voice "It was only because I was so drunk she overpowered me and by the time my neighbour came to my rescue after hearing my bitch-like screams, she had bitten off both my testicles and the penis," Ndekeezi whined to the reporter.
Minduru's account of events was not immediately available as she was having her stomach pumped for the evidence.
The attack came only days after a man died in central Uganda after his wife, angered by his inability to provide for her and his two children, cut off his testicles.
On-The-Spot-Cub-Reporter Ol' E
USA - Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 10:45:00 (PST)
To my Stumptown Family,
Sippin' pints without ya'll just isn't the same. See you in the Spring!
(aka the shaved red-head grrl that moved to Oregon)
Portland, OR USA - Tuesday, March 19, 2002 at 14:15:40 (PST)
Ol' Peter Hackett decided to go out golfing with his buddies one afternoon. They all piled in the bus and drove over to Oakmont golf course. The game was going along pretty well and they got to hole #4. Peter teed his ball up and noticed a large bank of trees off to his right. Sure enough, he blasted the ball off the tee, but it went way up and over the trees out of sight. He dropped a ball and took the stroke and just went on. A while later a cop comes walking up the fairway and says " Hey, is this your ball?" to which Peter replied "Yeah mate, it looks like it." The cop says "Well, this ball came over that bank of trees on #4 busted through a plate glass window then hit the family cat who went sceaming out of the front door, ran under a school bus coming down the road causing it to crash into a telephone pole and explode killing everyone inside." and Peter said "My God! What can I do!?" To which the cop replied "You can start by keeping your left arm straighter and beginning your downswing with the hips.."
The Stumptown Golf Club
USA - Monday, March 18, 2002 at 08:45:25 (PST)
Posted at a local golf club...
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now, flush the urinal, wash hands, go outside, and tee off.
The Stumptown Golf Club
USA - Monday, March 11, 2002 at 10:10:51 (PST)
Does 30 Years Make A Difference?
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux (The Gerd!)
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
Not quite this friggin' Ol' E
Northwood, USA - Monday, March 11, 2002 at 08:49:35 (PST)
Stumbled across you page via, I believe, google. Cool Stuff! "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." E. F. Schumacher http://www.a-home-equity-loan.com.
San Francisco, CA USA - Tuesday, February 19, 2002 at 22:15:59 (PST)
"Where there is Marriage without Love, there will be Love without Marriage." -Benjamin Franklin http://www.home-equity-loans-debt-consolidation.net.
San Francisco, CA USA - Tuesday, February 19, 2002 at 13:27:35 (PST)
"Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy." The Eagles. My favorite quote. http://www.spiderpatch.com.
San Francisco, CA USA - Sunday, February 10, 2002 at 10:18:34 (PST)
"Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy." The Eagles. My favorite quote. http://www.spiderpatch.com.
San Francisco, CA USA - Sunday, February 10, 2002 at 03:21:24 (PST)
This is something your patrons should be made aware of:
CHICAGO, Dec. 5...(URP) - City Police authorities are warning all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to
keep alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is being used by females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to convince their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for
Men are rendered helpless against this approach: After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on
horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be
Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a
vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are stung for their life's worth in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men are
easier victims for this scam after "beer" is administered and have previously been sexually approached.
Authorities ask that you forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with
venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly
affected, like-minded men.
For the nearest such support group near you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages
Sonoma County, CA USA - Wednesday, January 16, 2002 at 13:10:29 (PST)
A Happy New Year to You Peter .
All the best Fritz
USA - Wednesday, January 02, 2002 at 19:19:23 (PST)